Tonight was the first night of our Child Birth class and it was everything I hoped for and more. We found ourselves in a thrown together room on the forth floor of the local hospital with 7 other couples and the craziest lady I have seen in a while. She was like a strange Aunt that had downed a lot of uppers and loved her access to the white board. I should know, I have a few of these.
She walked around for a moment and screamed at the top of her lungs, “NINJAS, NINJAS!!!”
I quickly looked to the windows (the favorite entry place for ninjas). Then I realized that she had a bit of a whistle in her voice and she had actually screamed, “Name Tags, Name Tags!!”
We all grabbed out tags and sat back down as she got into her spill.
The first thing she covered – Rectal Pressure.
Her advice – When the baby is coming, the woman will feel some pressure in the rectum. This is normal, the baby putting pressure on the rectum, like a bowel movement, and that means you should push.
Then, she said “and they’ll clean you up and no one will be the wiser!”
After that she asked all of us why we were there and she wrote them on the white board in glorious green. Our favorite – Piece of Mind. She wouldn’t allow anyone to repeat, so thank goodness she started with us. We answered, “To help my husband to understand what to do” and “To make my wife’s time in labor as enjoyable and as memorable as possible.” If we would have went last, the only answer I could think of was, “to learn about the birth orgasm.”
Next, our host asked us to describe the animals we had seen giving birth and corrected every story that didn’t have the words, “The dog moved around and panted a lot.” The first guy said that three of the pups he helped deliver were still-born. Our teacher shut him down, “Whoa! That’s unusual! I don’t think we need to talk about that here.”
Then she said that Animals like to look at their own asses while they give birth because they don’t understand they are pregnant and really believe they are taking a huge dump.
Finally, she had the ladies do exercises while we men pinched their legs to simulate contractions. When asked, Shannon told her that I had let up the pressure after the first pinch (which I had). I replied, “I feel bad that I was hurting her.” Our teacher then stood above me and rocked back and forth, sing-songing “Aw, he felt bad.” “She’ll thank you for it.” She barked out. ” It’s nothing compared to the pain she’ll feel during labor.” She shoved her hand up in the air to represent a door. “She has to learn to shut the door to her brain! To make a barrier there through breathing, darkness, and calming music..” She dropped down to her hands and knees and did a grinding motion. “And if he doesn’t pop out you get all doggie style and lift your pelvis to give him more room. You all will remember that move, cause it’s called doggie style!”
This from the woman that a half hour before cupped her hands and whispered, “wear a pad.”
Then, she called the night over and we all rushed out. Next week I will be taking a notepad, not for the class, but for the gems that fall from this woman’s lips!